I've been spending a bit of time in the garden recently, and it has struck me how few tools I have. So, I thought I would investigate a few key purchases, and this is what I came up with. Enjoy!

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Axe

Every man needs an axe, whether it is for chopping wood in a hardy manner or merely for threatening their daughter's boyfriend after a stout too many. A carpenter's axe is a suitable entry point for beginners, but it isn't going to chop down much more than a chair leg. If you really want to impress the ladies - or, far more likely, your mates - be sure to get a proper felling axe. Although be sure to remember that using an axe can be dangerous, so if you don't think you have the experience necessary for a certain task, the best would be to search online for "lawn care near me" or similar services and leave the job to the professionals. After all, you do not want to end up injuring yourself instead of impressing the people around you. That said, don't be afraid of spending a bit of money on it, either. Try and get one with some shock absorption for added effect. Although nothing is more manly than a chap wielding an axe, those vibrations really get to you after a while, you know?

Lawn Mower

Quick tip: if your wife ever suggests getting a lawn put in, refuse point blank. First of all, although it will be her lawn, you will be responsible for its upkeep. Secondly, if you don't mow it every other day, it will soon resemble the Congo jungle. That said, if your garden is large enough, you can have some fun with some pretty impressive machines. Check out some of these lawn mowers for sale and see if anything takes your fancy. Another quick tip: it's the sit down one.

Circular Saw

At some point in your life, you are going to need a circular saw to do some serious cutting. You can get through wood or most other materials in about ten times less than the time it would take with a hand saw. There will be times when you regret having one, of course. Like when your unhinged mate finds it after a few drinks and insists on showing you his juggling skills. And then puts it all down to 'banter'. Anyway, my therapist says I shouldn't reflect on that, so try this one for size.

Nail Gun

OK, so if you buy a nail gun, it might well be asking for trouble. So don't tell anyone. Nail guns are great for getting your (wife's) decking up in no time at all and brilliant for fence repair. But please; be careful. I have a friend who put a nail through his foot once. It was funny at the time, but the laughs soon ran dry when he couldn't go to work for the next 18 months. The amount of beers I had to buy him because he never had any money is no joke, I can tell you.

A Smartphone, With Wi-Fi, And Access to BBC Sport

OK, so a smartphone isn't technically for the garden. Nor is it a tool, really. However, you tell me that it isn't essential. Especially when you have been forced outside to chop stuff up on a Saturday afternoon at precisely the moment the football starts. You can find some more essential gadgets for men right here. Well, I'm sure there are some more essential garden tools, but that's your lot for now. I've got a garden to mow and a circular saw to retrieve from an old friend with a hint of insanity in his eyes. I'll see you soon...hopefully.